Episode 16: How do I support my friend that struggles with food?

In this week’s episode, Jessica is a listener's question of “How can I support my roommate that struggles with food?” In these instances it is important to decide how much you can actually help and what you can do to help. Also consider, are these things you are struggling with personally, too!

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Teaser

So I have a roommate with one of my best friends, she’s also one of my best friends, and I was wondering how you would approach helping and supporting a friend that also has issues with food … not a great relationship with food like you do yourself. Welcome to the art and science of eating.

Intro

Welcome to the art and science of eating. I’m Jessica Begg, registered dietician and clinical counsellor. I worked for fifteen years in programs for the treatment of eating disorders. I now help those that struggle with emotional eating and their relationship with their body. This podcast is where I answer questions to help people along this bumpy journey to creating peace with both food and their body. 

Podcast

“Thanks Jordan for coming onto the podcast. I really appreciate you spending some time with me and asking a question. So yeah, tell me what’s on your mind.”

“So I had a question about… I have a roommate who’s one of my best friends — she’s also one of my best friends — and I was wondering how you would approach helping and supporting a friend that also has issues with food, or not a great relationship with food, like you do yourself. How do you support someone without triggering yourself?”

“Yeah, because she’s your best friend, I imagine you want to help her. What do you notice has been coming up for you?”

“So just that I know for her, trying new foods or having foods that are outside of her strict diet will give her anxiety. So trying to help her through that will then give me anxiety about food.

Say there’s some sort of celebration — because we’re also roommates — different foods will come up, and if I try to help her, it makes me feel self-conscious. And if I’m not feeling self-conscious, then I start to think, ‘Oh, she’s feeling this way… should I feel this way?’”

“Yeah. Does that make sense?”

“It does make sense.

What would be your ideal scenario for you in terms of this relationship with your roommate and helping her?”

“I guess maybe knowing how I can support her but also create boundaries for myself, if that makes sense. I’m not sure if that’s even possible.”

“Yeah, I think it might be something you need to think about for yourself — how much you can help and in which ways you want to help.

Because what I’m hearing from you is that you’re specifically talking about the food component. But there’s a whole other component in which you can support her that might not be directly related to food.

You can connect with her about how she’s feeling today. Talk about stuff going on in her life and support her there. But talking about specific food items might not be the space where you want to carry that responsibility.

It is complicated. While people might come to see someone like myself because their relationship with food is so complicated, living with somebody who is also struggling at the same time can be a lot. It’s a really heavy load to bear on your own.

So as a roommate and as her best friend, it’s about figuring out how to support her while also protecting yourself. It’s like the old analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping someone else.

It’s also about boundaries.

That example you gave where you start thinking about food in troubling ways — she wouldn’t want you to be struggling with that either. More importantly, I think you want to keep yourself safe.

So that might be an indicator that you’re treading into an area that isn’t a good fit for you. It might simply mean recognizing, ‘Oh, I had that reaction. Maybe I should pull out of this conversation and support her in other spaces instead.’

So I think that would be my first thought: can you support your roommate in ways that are not related to food?”

“Okay yeah, that makes sense. Because it’s really just the food stuff. I can support her in anything else, but when it comes to food, I could tell it was making me fall back into some negative thoughts about myself.”

“Yeah, because it’s confusing.

Even just being around other people’s worries about food can make us question ourselves. That’s exactly how diet culture works. We don’t even necessarily have to be doing the diet ourselves to start questioning, ‘Oh, is this right or wrong?’

And certainly when somebody is struggling, it’s hard to completely detach yourself from it — especially because you guys live together too. That’s a whole other layer.”

“Yeah, yep.”

“So I think that would be a super valid boundary to put up.

And the two of you can still talk in really supportive ways because I’m assuming she understands that you also struggle with food.”

“Definitely. She knows that’s something I deal with.”

“Yeah, so I think that could even become a very supportive conversation where you say, ‘We both struggle with food, and in order to keep ourselves well supported, maybe we need support outside of each other too.’

Does she have support outside of you around food?”

“Not around food specifically, but in other ways — like therapy.”

“Well, even just having a therapist helps.

I think that also gives peace of mind when it comes to people we love because we don’t have to carry everything ourselves. They have other wonderful people in their lives too. You can remind yourself, ‘Okay, she’s struggling, but she’s working on things, and I can trust that she’s doing the best that she can.’”

“For sure. Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Yeah. And you deserve support too.

You deserve support around how you’re feeling, and you guys can work together in other ways.

And honestly, when it comes to struggles with food, a lot of it is really about how we feel underneath it all. The worries about food often become the embodiment of the worries we have in general.

So the conversation of, ‘How are you doing?’ actually addresses the worries about food more than we realize.”

“Yeah, which is a lot to think about, but definitely.”

“Yeah, yeah. Does that fit? Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, because I didn’t know whether putting up a boundary was appropriate. But really making it about how someone feels, rather than narrowing it down specifically to food, feels like a much easier topic for both of us to approach properly.”

“And boundaries can change too, right?

I think sometimes when you’re feeling stronger, you may be able to support her in certain ways. And other times, when you’re not feeling as emotionally up to it, you might need to say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t have this conversation right now,’ or ‘I’d love to help you, but I just can’t at the moment.’

I think those are really loving and safe responses, especially if you explain that to her ahead of time.

Like, ‘I think this particular topic is really hard for me, so I may need to step away from food conversations sometimes.’

But I also think it’s valuable to let it ebb and flow depending on how your energy is.”

“Right, yeah.

Another thing I found is that when I try to help her, I sometimes catch myself saying things that actually perpetuate all the stuff I’m trying not to do myself.

So it’s like, ‘Oh no, I can’t give this advice when I still need to work on this myself.’ Do you know what I mean?”

“Oh, so it felt a little like imposter syndrome?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So what did that mean for you?”

“Well, it kind of just told me, ‘Oh no, you still need to work on some stuff yourself first.’”

“Oh, well that’s actually kind of interesting — and kind of positive too.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I think that’s one of the nice things about talking openly with each other. It’s nice that you both understand what’s going on.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Yeah, no, it’s great. It’s great that you’re thinking about it, and it’s really lovely that you guys are working together.”

“Yeah, I mean honestly, if I didn’t have that conversation with her, I probably wouldn’t have come to that realization. Or if I did, it probably wouldn’t have been until much later.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Just gives me something to work on later.”

“Yeah, for sure.

So that’s actually more of a positive thing. Because on the flipside, someone could say, ‘Oh, it was really damaging that she brought these issues into my life.’ But another way to look at it is that she shined a light on places you didn’t realize still needed attention.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely more that one.”

“Yeah, that’s great.

And it’s always a journey, right? Working on our relationships with food, ourselves, and other people — it’s all a journey.”

“Yeah. Roommates and boundaries… that’s a hard one.”

“And during a pandemic where you both work from home.”

“Oh man.”

“Yeah. So honestly, the fact that you guys are still alive together is probably a good sign.”

“Honestly, I feel like this is probably one of the better problems to have in the end.”

“Yeah, yeah. This is absolutely something that can be worked on. And the fact that you’re willing to work on it means things are going well.

Well, good. Great. Is there anything else you were thinking about?”

“I don’t think so. I think that was really the big one for me.”

“Okay great. Well thanks for coming on, Jordan.”

“Yeah, thank you for having me.”

“No problem. Talk soon!”

“Talk soon!”

Disclaimer

This podcast is for education and information purposes only. Please consult your own healthcare team to discuss what is right for you and your care.