Episode 16: How do I support my friend that struggles with food?

In this week’s episode, Jessica is a listener's question of “How can I support my roommate that struggles with food?” In these instances it is important to decide how much you can actually help and what you can do to help. Also consider, are these things you are struggling with personally, too!

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Teaser

So I have a roommate with one of my best friends, she’s also one of my best friends, and I was wondering how you would approach helping and supporting a friend that also has issues with food … not a great relationship with food like you do yourself. Welcome to the art and science of eating.

Intro 

Welcome to the art and science of eating. I’m Jessica Begg, registered dietician and clinical counsellor. I worked for fifteen years in programs for the treatment of eating disorders. I now help those that struggle with emotional eating and their relationship with their body. This podcast is where I answer questions to help people along this bumpy journey to creating peace with both food and their body. 

Podcast

Thanks Jordan for coming onto the podcast. I really appreciate you spending some time with me and asking a question, so yeah tell me what’s on your mind. So I had a question about, so I have a So I have a roommate with one of my best friends, she’s also one of my best friends, and I was wondering how you would approach helping and supporting a friend that also has issues with food … not a great relationship with food like you do yourself like how to support someone without triggering yourself. Yeah cause she’s your best friend I imagine you want to help her. What do you notice that has come up to you. So just that I know that for her trying new foods or having foods that is out of her strict diet will give her anxiety, so trying to help her through that will then give me anxiety about food and then so say there was a sort of celebration cause we’re also roommates. There’ll be things that different foods will come up and if I try and help her then it’ll make me feel self-conscious where it’s like going to feel self-conscious or i’m not feeling self-conscious then I start to somewhat feel oh she’s feeling this way, should I feel this way? Yeah. Does that make sense? It does make sense. What would be your ideal scenario for you in terms of this relationship with your roommate and helping her? I guess, maybe knowing how I can support her but also create boundaries for myself, if that makes sense? I’m not sure if that’s even possible. Yeah, I think it might be something that you might need to think for yourself, how much you can help and in which way you want to help because what I’m hearing from you is that you’re talking about the food component. There’s a whole other component in which you can support her that might be in relation to the way she’s eating. Could connect with her on how you’re feeling today. Talk about stuff going on in her life and supporting her there. But talking about specific food items might not be a spot you want to carry that. It is complicated and while people might come to see someone like myself because that relationship with food is so complicated and to be living with somebody at the same time can be a lot, a really heavy load that it’s too much to bare on your own. So as a roommate, and as her best friend is to try to figure out how to support her and to protect you because it’s just like the old analogy of putting your air mask first before helping the other person. It is also about boundaries too, that example where you start thinking about food in troubling ways and she wouldn’t want you to do that, and more importantly I think you want to keep yourself safe. So, that might be the indicator where you’re treading into areas that’s not a good fit for you. And it might be just trying to figure out where coming into this space like oh I had that reaction okay maybe I should pull out of this and pull into other spaces. So I think that would be my first thought that comes to mind is can you support your roommate in other ways not related to food? Ok yeah that makes sense yeah cause it’s really just the food stuff. I can support her in anything else but when it came to the food it was kinda just like I could tell it was making me fall back onto some negative thoughts about myself. Yeah cause it’s confusing cause you start thinking about even as we’re just in or around other people’s worries about food exactly with how diet culture exists cause we don’t necessarily be doing the diet to be questioning oh is this right or is this wrong? Certainly, when somebody is struggling it’s hard to detach yourself, particularly because you guys live together too. That’s a whole other layer. Yeah, yep. So I think that would be a super valid boundary to put up and the two of you could be talking in really supportive ways cause I’m assuming that she understands that you struggle with food. Definitely, she knows that is something that I deal with. Yeah so I think that could even be a very supportive conversation where you’re like we both struggle with food and in order to keep ourselves well supported A: do we seek help outside? And does she have support outside of you around food? Not around food but in other ways, like therapy but not food in particular. Well even just with the therapist right. I think that that's also the peace of mind for people that we love cause we don’t have to carry it all that they have other wonderful people in their lives you could be like okay she’s struggling but she’s working on things and I think we can trust that they’re doing the best that they can. For sure, yeah that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. And that you have the support too. That you get the support that you need to support how you feel and that you guys can work together in other rounds and I think that that’s the thing that struggles with food. A lot of it is around how we feel is actually the more important bit. That’s exactly it. The worries about food become just embodied the worries we have just in general and so the conversation of how are you doing actually really properly addresses the worries about food ironically. Yeah, which is a lot to think about, but yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. That fits; that makes sense? Yeah cause I didn’t know where if a boundary was appropriate to put but really just making it how do you feel rather than just nailing it right down to the food is a lot easier a topic to approach properly for both of us. And they can be changing, right? I think that sometimes when you’re more strong you might be able to make the choice to support her in one way when you’re feeling really good and another time where you’re not feeling as up to it you might be like yeah, I’m sorry I can’t have this conversation or I love to help you but just I can’t at the moment. I think those are really loving and safe responses, particularly if you explain to her at the outset. Like, I think this is a really troubling spot and I could just say no, let’s not talk about food and holding to that. But I think it is super valuable to ebb and flow, depending on how your energy is. Right, yeah and like another thing that I found as well when I try to help her when it comes I found myself saying things that perpetuate all the things that I’m not supposed to be doing, like so it’s like oh no I can’t give this embrace when I still need to work on this myself. Do you know what I mean? Oh so was it like you felt like you had imposter syndrome a little bit? Yeah, yeah. So what did that mean for you? Well it kinda really just told me oh no you still need to work on stuff on your own before, yeah. Oh well that’s kind of an interesting, a positive thing too. Yeah, yeah. I think that that’s nice about talking about it openly with each other too. I think that’s really nice that you have each other to understand what’s going on. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, no it’s great, it’s great that you’re thinking about it and it’s so lovely that you guys are working together. Yeah I mean, so, it’s really nice because If I didn’t have that conversation with her I probably wouldn’t have come to that realization or if I did then probably wouldn’t have been for a lot longer. Oh, that’s nice. Just so it’s a point to work on later. Yeah, for sure. Yeah so that’s more of a positive thing, cause on the flipside one could say oh it was really damaging she brought new issues into my life but it could be she shined the light in places that I didn’t realize were an issue. Yeah, it’s more of that one, for sure. Yeah, that’s great. Yeah well that’s good. And it’s always a journey, right? Working on your relationships with food, ourselves, the other people, it’s a journey. Yeah, roommates and boundaries. That’s a hard one. And during a pandemic where we both work from home. Oh man. Yeah. So the fact that you guys are still alive that’s a good sign. So that’s honestly I feel like this is probably one of the better problems to have in the end. Yeah, yeah. This is something that can be worked on. Totally, and that you’re willing to work on it means things are going well. Well, good. Great, is there anything else you were thinking about? I don’t think so, I think that was really the big one for me. Okay great, well thanks for coming on Jordan. Yeah, thank you for having me. No problem, talk soon! Talk soon!

Disclaimer

This podcast is for education and information purposes only. Please consult your own healthcare team to discuss what is right for you and your care.